http://www.aapel.org/bdp/BLsplittingUS.html:
Splitting: In simple words, we can say that splitting is a way to divide the world in “all good” “all bad”. It is a black and white way to see the world without “grey”. Splitting is one of the defense mechanism used to protect themselves
Defense mechanism.
It’s a way to protect ourselves in some way. There is a lot, lot of defense mechanim possible.
Example
– Acting out: Allows a person to avoid thinking about a painful situation or experiencing a painful emotion Leads to acts that are often irresponsible, reckless, and foolish
– Avoidance: A defense mechanism consisting of refusal to encounter situations, objects, or activities
– Deflection: Also detected when the individual is in group therapy and consists of redirecting attention to another group member. The distortion campaign is a deflection (“HE is the sick one, not me !”)
– Denial:Failing to recognize obvious implications or consequences of a thought, act, or situation (I’m ok)
– Dissociation: Dissociation is a split in the mind in which there can be two independent streams of consciousness occurring at the same time (multiple personalities)
– Humor: The individual deals with emotional conflict or external stressors by emphasizing the amusing or ironic aspects of the conflict or stressors
– Projection: Allows a person to attribute his own feelings or thoughts to others Leads to prejudice, suspiciousness, and excessive worrying about external dangers
– Somatization: Conflicts are represented by physical symptoms involving parts of the body
Black and white thinking doesn’t work in a gray world:
TO see the world in black and white is to live within the contours of extremism. This outlook neatly divides the world into right versus wrong, good versus evil, and yes versus no. This thinking is dependent upon such words as always and never. Especially in times of crisis, the black and white worldview is looked upon as strength and courage to the casual observer.
The problem with black and white thinking is it usually does battle in a world that is nuanced and gray.
Cognitive analysis begins in black and white terms. This is how children learn to use words and organize their thoughts. How many parents have provided their 7-year-old with a rule, only to later alter the decree ever so slightly and have the child retort with: “But you said?” In the world of developmental psychology, this is called primitive thinking.
As adults, we are prone to primitive thinking during moments of crisis and stress. Mark Sichel, author and psychotherapist, writes, “When the adult starts relying on the words “always” or “never,” and seeing the world in black and white terms, they are slipping back to the way they saw the world as a child.”
Black and white thinking is also flawed because it inherently assumes a static world. It is dependent upon everything and everyone maintaining the role that such thinking has already preordained.
There is little regard for the human condition that does not correspond to its beliefs, because black and white thinking is rooted more toward the generic than the situational. Failure becomes harder to confront because one tends to place an inordinate amount of energy toward being right. It is an unfortunate default against the complexities of the world.
Survivors of abuse tend to possess extreme polarities in their thought patterns. Simply put, they have black or white thinking. I can see this in your letter and I’ll show you momentarily. The unhealthy thing about black or white thinking is that it eliminates at least 50% of a person’s available choices. That is the primary reason for the tendency on the part of abuse survivors to box themselves in and to view themselves as being without choice. The belief that there are no or limited choices is so unhealthy that it is akin to being imprisoned. It is like living in your own personal hell on earth.
You see, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes and tell white lies and commit all kinds of human errors. If you are waiting for the person who will never lie you’ll be waiting forever. No one can reach that level of perfection. Recovery is being able to tolerate a level of imperfection (shades of gray, if you will). You state that you “feel like finding happiness and joy in a relationship is an impossibility” for you. This is another example of black or white thinking. Very few things are completely impossible. Furthermore, in life, good relationships do not equal happiness and joy. Good relationships take a lot of work and don’t always feel particularly happy or particularly terrible. Good relationships take up the entire spectrum of colors, including the shades of gray. Happiness and joy are not found; they are created. Their source is found inside of you, in your outlook and in your way of interpreting the events of your life.
