what to do when your friend has cancer

this is a new thing for me to be researching, and i’m really not liking that i’m researching it, because it concerns someone i know and like.

supporting a friend who has cancer

Here are some simple guidelines to use when talking with your friend.

Avoid saying

I know just how you feel.

You need to talk.

I know just what you should do.

I feel helpless.

I don’t know how you manage.

Do say

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

If you ever feel like talking, I am here to listen.

What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?

Please let me know what I can do to help.

You are an inspiration.

that article has many good useful tips, in easy to understand language.

House Call: When a Friend Has Cancer:

Most people won’t take you up on a nonspecific offer like, “If there’s anything I can do…” Instead, suggest a couple of specific things you think might be helpful, and see what your friend would like. Maybe you can accompany her during some of the treatments, provide an afternoon of childcare, or do the week’s grocery shopping for her. If out-of-town guests will be visiting when your friend is very ill, consider offering to host them at your home. That will allow your friend to use her limited energy enjoying the visit instead of playing host.

that’s another good article.

You Can Help When Your Friend Has Cancer:

A diagnosis of cancer can create awkward tensions between friends. If your friend has cancer, you may already find that your conversations with him or her are strained. You may even find yourself not calling or visiting your friend—not because you don’t care, but because you don’t know how to be helpful.

Like hundreds of others, you may feel caught in a dilemma. You may want to reach out to your friend, but you are afraid of making matters worse by doing the wrong thing—such as mentioning the word “cancer.”

Sadly enough, friends sometimes drift apart during a cancer crisis. The following do’s and don’ts are an effort to prevent this. They are a summery of suggestions often made by cancer patients and their families on how their friends could be more helpful.

that article talks more about the difficulties and strains it can put on friendships, how to not let that happen.

i’m finding some articles that talk about being a caring, compassionate friend, to be full of warmth and love, to look the person in the eye and let them know you care…. i’m not quite sure that my friend and i work like that, given aspergery-ness, and i’m finding i’m gravitating more to the articles that talk about concrete things i can do, things not to say, things to say, what not to do, what to do, rather than vague general emotive terms.

i’ll continue to research, but even before starting to google this, i did realize, from what i’ve realized in my interactions with the denizens of this planet during my 33 years of life so far, that when people are going thru a rough time, you generally shouldn’t be “i know what you need” and “i promise it’ll be okay” and “don’t worry, don’t be sad, cheer up”:

1) you can’t guarantee it’ll be okay, because life doesn’t work like that. you can offer help, though, you can offer to be there with them during when it’s not okay.
2) you don’t necessarily know what they need, perhaps it would be wise to carefully ask them, pay attention, and then make an informed decision, rather than rushing in with a snap judgment
3) telling someone to not feel sad, or to cheer up, it’s almost always a very bad thing to do. don’t discount peoples’ emotions, people have a right to feel their emotions, it’s part of being human.

also, i’m not seeing this so far in what i’ve read at this point, but it seems to me that if this person has a spouse/partner or someone close in their life, you should remember that person is dealing with it as well, and check in to make sure how they’re doing.

more links i found:

What Should I Say to the Person Who Has Cancer?

Supporting a Loved One:

“There is certainly a feeling of inadequacy,” states Alison Mayer Sachs, an oncology social worker and the coordinator of cancer support services at the Eisenhower Lucy Curci Cancer Center in Rancho Mirage, California. “There is also the feeling that there are words out there, and if they only knew what the ‘magic words’ were, they could make the patient feel better. Caregivers need to give themselves permission to not know the right answers, to just listen.”

When Someone You Work With Has Cancer

Facing Forward: Life After Cancer Treatment:

“While I was having chemo, I quit doing almost everything. So when treatment ended, the challenge for me was, what am I going to do now with my life? What should I go back to doing?”